THE STRUGGLE BEGINS - 1997, I had been married for 3 years when I fell pregnant, and was overjoyed. 
Sadly the pregnancy did not carry to term and this was the beginning of my infertility struggle. 
The years to follow were filled with pain and heartbreak - 3 miscarriages, several failed attempts
at Artificial Insemination and a failed attempt at In-Vitro Fertilization with donor embryos.  At
the end of it all I was spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally and financially drained.

THE PAIN CONTINUES - Every month was a disappointment, a reminder of what I did not have …the baby
I longed to hold in my arms.  Where was God?  I was not asking for worldly riches.  All I was asking
for was a gift of a baby.  With every loss I was deeply saddened.  How would I face my family, friends
and the world?  The heartache of telling everyone the truth…I lost my baby….I was a failure as a woman
and as a wife.  Being a woman, this is what I was designed for (to bear children, something so natural)
and yet God was still not answering my prayers.   My world became a hazard; everywhere there were
reminders of what I did not have.  Wherever I looked there were pregnant women, at church, in the
supermarket, on television adverts and people I knew, family and friends, all were pregnant, except me. 
I felt as though inside I was dying a silent death, and yet I would put on a brave smile when facing the
world, and would pretend all was well. 

LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD - I was Christian but had not allowed God to be God in my life.  Instead I
thought I could do it all on my own, trying to play God, making things right.  I eventually hit rock
bottom, and a decision had to be made; was this going to control my life? or was there a way out?  I
was raw with emotion, exhausted, helpless and needed help.  I wanted to feel whole – but did not know
what that meant or how the heartache would ever stop.  I came to the Christian Counselling Centre and
here I met with Liz (a counsellor).   Recovery was a slow process of healing, growing and learning. 
God does not come banging or pounding at our door, we have to allow Him in, invite Him into our hearts,
and give it all to Him.  Trusting in Him for that which is unseen and yet hoped for.  I had to go within
myself and stand against what was my will.  I needed to surrender to God and His plan for my life. 
Calming the war within was liberating.  I forgave myself, came to peace with God, and forgave those that
had caused me pain.  Also, I needed to ask myself; why I was yearning for a child?  What void in my life
was I trying to fill?  I learnt that becoming a mother did not quantify me as a woman, only God could do
that for me.  I am made in His image, I am worthy and whole.

CALMING THE STORM within was so important.  I hate to think of what I would have become, what it was doing to me, my marriage, my relationships, my view of the world and my relationship with God my Father, my Creator, my Protector.  He loves me like no-one could and He is my refuge and strength.  Even though it has been a painful journey if God offered to turn back the clock and change it all, I would decline.  I have grown closer to God; my life has a whole new meaning.  Through my journey, I have become a counsellor at the Counselling Centre, serving God and learning more about Him each day has brought beauty into my life. I am not barren but fruitful and have faith for that which is unseen and yet hoped for.  Thanks be to God!
- Rachelle